My ex

  • November 5, 2011 at 2:43 pm #121
    Caroleen
    Member

    Hi

    So great to see a site which can offer professional advice.

    I’m faced with thoughts of my ex, even though I am with someone. He’s nice and ticks all the boxes for what I want but I just dont feel that deep connection and closeness I had with my ex.

    What should I do?

    Thanks.

    Caroleen

    November 15, 2011 at 10:33 am #274
    Neomie
    Keymaster

    Hi Caroleen

    I’m sorry to hear you are in this distressing position. It must be very confusing for you.

    Does your current partner know that you are not yet over your ex? Sometimes it can help to talk things through and you can find out whether this is a deal-breaker for the new person.

    Personally, I would want to know if something was bothering my partner, so I could be there to comfort them and this alone could help you feel closer to your new partner.

    It may, of course, be that your thoughts of your ex are obsessive style thoughts which only serve to stop you getting close to the new person in your life. This type of thought is based on fear and is very unhelpful to relationships.

    You haven’t said why the two of you split up, so this too may be relevant before we can properly advise.

    My advice in matters of love is follow your HEAD and not your heart. If you do that, which person would you choose?

    Love and freedom
    Neo

    November 21, 2011 at 12:29 am #277
    Leeanne
    Member

    Hi Caroleen;

    I agree with Neo, you really didn’t say why it was over between you and your ex. It seems as though there may be some unresolved things from your past that you may have to work on before you move on. Sometimes when a relationship runs its course and comes to an end, one or both may not be ready. This bring in a situation of loss, they know it is over, but yet it ended with issues that may cloud further relationships.

    In your statement about your current partner, you express that he ‘ticks all the boxes’ and that but you don’t feel that ‘deep connection or closeness’ you had with your ex. There could be two reasons for this. 1. it could be this way because you are afraid to be hurt, or 2. You were not ready to move onto something long lasting. Sometimes a rebound relationship is what we need to work past what happened in the previous relationship, which may be why you feel the way you do.

    When you are faced with something you were not ready to end, or doesn’t feel like it ended properly, whether it be death or a loss of a close relationship, there are stages people go through.
    Denial: is when you are still in disbelief. You are not prepared to move forward, and want to retain the relationship that once was.
    Bargaining: In your case this could mean bargaining yourself in hopes that the relationship will return. This could mean giving up on things that you hold dear, or beliefs that maybe caused the issue that produced the loss.
    Anger: where you may take out the loss on other people. You may blame others for the downfall of the relationship and resentment to anyone that may still have a relationship with the person. Also in this stage, even if it was not your fault, you may start blaming yourself.
    Despair: where there may be bouts of uncontrollable crying and guilt. Sometimes people start withdrawing and feel a lack of trust
    Acceptance; this is where you make peace with yourself and the loss that you felt. You should be able to verbalize and talk openly about your loss, and the learning experience. Be able to fully let go.
    All these stages are normal, and do not necessarily come in the above order. When Loss turns into obsessive thoughts is when it starts to take control over other parts of your life, and the letting go process is not happening. In death 3 months to three years is normal, however, in the fall of a relationship 3 months to 1 year of not being with the person is normal.

    Being in a relationship where all the boxes are ticked but you are not feeling connected or close, it means you are still guarded, not necessarily obsessing over your ex. But that is where you have to decide what it is. If you are unavailable emotionally and you are still in the mode of not believing your previous relationship is not over that it is at a standstill even though both of you may be in new relationships, it is more obsessive thinking. If you are emotionally unavailable because you were emotionally hurt, and really do not understand the breakup, you are still in the process of grieving over the relationship and need to come to terms with yourself it is over and there was nothing you could do to change it.

    I hope it helps, if you want to share more so we know how to address the thought patterns you are having, please post again.

    Warmest Regards

    Leeanne

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